Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
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Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.