Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
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I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.
People on Twitter: Hold my beer.
Are we there yet?…
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
Me as a therapist: omg same
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook