*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
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Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas