Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
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[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
#FunnyLife Insects
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”