[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
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“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
How dramatic are you?
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.