I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
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“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
All generalizations are stupid.
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*