*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
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Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
Monday Lisa
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
Stop it! 😂
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*