*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
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*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
We’re all getting idioter.
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.