No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
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a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence