How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
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nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please