[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
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For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”