It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
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Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
When I laugh on my period
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL