Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
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I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
This trial is so absurd 😭
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.