Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
You Might Also Like
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
Saw your ex at the shops
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.