[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
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Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind