My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
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Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
cat vs inanimate object
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?