There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
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Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
Sell your car
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”