Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
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This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
I have so many questions.
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?