you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
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….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.