Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
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I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
Saturday