Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
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You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.