Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
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Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?