Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
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here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED