HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
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you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
Me sliding into hell like
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible