Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
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The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
Not my job 😂
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one