[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
You Might Also Like
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division