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So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
I can’t stop laughing at this
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour