I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
You Might Also Like
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
😂😂😂
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??