Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
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I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.