the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
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mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]