Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
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[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.