I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
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(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.
married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same