Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
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Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”