[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
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Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.