I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
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Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
Couldn’t afford a man cave. Had to settle for a gazebro
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode