Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
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[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham