Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
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Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself