My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
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9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no