I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
You Might Also Like
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards