They are only bad decisions if you get caught
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This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
How dude HOW?!
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?