It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
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It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
My dating profile:
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
…
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…
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2015: Taco Emoji!
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.