Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
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Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
never deleting this app.
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.