At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
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Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job