Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
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me: my friends:
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
Happy Thanksgiving
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
me 2 months after i graduated