Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
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No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…