When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
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I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
#titanic
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?