Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
You Might Also Like
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa