No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
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I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse