The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
You Might Also Like
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely