[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
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The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
War & Peace
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*